More and more I find that my personal interests are completely untapped, unexplored, and likely even undiscovered. I am 32 and a half years old. What have I been doing with my life?
Well, I can tell you. I've studied and I've worked. Here and there I find the time to try something new, but I've mastered nothing and struggle to maintain much. At this age, don't I have something I am so passionate about that I know it wholly inside and out? I'm afraid not. And to be honest, I'm afraid I will run out of life before I find what that is.
I've studied fashion, worked retail, with flowers, clothing, books and children, worked in a restaurant, a tanning salon, as a lifeguard and a model. I was once great at competitive swimming, diving, horseback riding and enjoyed pottery classes. Every year I asked for art supplies at Christmas and still have each sketch book that I have filled the pages of. To this day I respect and appreciate art in many forms, yet I do not possess the skills to believe in my own.
Recently I have found that I want to know all about wine; I want to be more than a fan, I desire to be an enthusiast. I have taken classes on watercolor illustration, pole fitness, yoga and scuba diving. I like to backpack and camp, go sailing, create craft cocktails, kayak and sew. I've always been interested in competing with one of my pets in dog agility, learning Spanish, tarot card reading, growing a garden, graphic arts and photography. I've wanted to put my degree in fashion to good use, but I've found that interiors seem to drive me more as I've gotten older. I enjoy house projects, landscaping, the company of animals, baking and paddle boarding. With so many interests and only so much free time, how is it possible to be good at anything?! Do I have a problem committing to placement in life?
I constantly remind myself that there are no guarantees. And that when I hold back, I do so at the risk of never fully blossoming. The present moment always offers us the ground in which we can take root and open our hearts to whatever we choose. But what does this mean?
If we live fully and do not hesitate because conditions are not perfect, or let the fear of not knowing enough hold us back, then we will embrace the moment, and ourselves, just exactly as we are right now. We have a habit of looking at our lives with a set of conditions--ifs and whens and definitions of who we are that must be fulfilled before we think that we're living it to the fullest. This is not practice - it's not! And as far as anyone knows, this could be it.
Now is the time for each of us to bloom where we are planted. Now is the time to say yes, to be brave and commit fully to ourselves. Now is the time to be vulnerable, unfolding delicately yet fully into the space in which we find ourselves and learn as much we desire, even if the only purpose is that it simply makes you happy. What am I trying to say?
For so long I have beat myself up for not being great at anything in particular, for not mastering something, for only knowing just enough. But that stops now. In my 32 years I have learned that I like many, many different things and I can't help but want to take it all in. What's so wrong with that? Why can't I have as many hobbies as years that I have spent on this planet? Who says you can only have as many interests as you do hands and that you must be superior at just those things? Who?
On my 32nd birthday my husband gifted me quad roller skates - I absolutely adore them! I can't explain why I wanted them so badly other than I just did. I dream of being a talented skater, to be able to roll backwards, do the limbo and have fun dancing on wheels. This takes tremendous practice, I know. But even if I never get there, I recognize that skating simply makes me happy. I truly don't care what I look like when I'm doing it, whether it's a juvenile activity, whether I'm doing it alone or have my favorite company with me - I just like it.
Something has clicked. The way I feel about roller skating is the outlook I need to apply to all areas of my life. This one is mine. Nobody is going to enjoy it as much as me, and I want to live it in the fullest capacity I know how - to always desire to learn, do and try more. I can't think of a single person that wouldn't respect that.
This is your life, go live it for you.